The Ultimate User’s Guide to Microwave Meals

Welcome! I hope you find this informative. Let’s get started, shall we?

Items needed:
Microwave  – Any old wattage will do
Growling Stomach – It’s imperative to be near starvation
Around $2.60 USD – Amount for meal depending on type*

Instructions:

  1. Obtain microwave meal from local grocer. Try not to be overwhelmed by the selection, they will all have the same taste and nutritional content.
  2. Remove meal from outer cardboard box. This step is superficial, really, since the meal will, in fact, taste like cardboard. Do NOT throw away box as it contain the necessary instructions for proper heating.
  3. At this point some assembly will be required. You may have to slide the meal into a sheath, build a small platform or create ventilation for it to cook properly. Consult box for details and IKEA-esque instructions.
  4. Enter time into microwave according to box directions. Depending on your microwave, the allotted time will either scorch or leave the middle of your item frozen. That’s just microwave science. It cannot be helped.
  5. To check doneness of your item poke with finger. If you have second degree burns, it’s done. If not, microwave again according to box instructions. Repeat.
  6. Allow to cool. If you don’t, side effects may include loss of taste buds and roof-of-mouth burning due to “hot spots”.
  7. Viola! You now have a perfectly edible piece of something!

*Most “meals” will contain English peas. You have to pay extra for those without them. Adjust your budget accordingly.

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